Life sucks.

January has proven to be an awful start to what should be a good year. Last december i finally thought i figured out what I wanted to do in life and i had a somewhat detailed plan and timeline for said plan. 

But no, almost everything seems to go wrong and I’m absolutely lost. 

First, i got in a big fight with my parents about religion. They raised my as a Christian. After years of not understanding scripture and talking with people i could finally honestly say that i no longer believe in God. At first my parents seemed fine with that, until they realized what te consequences of that decision where. They expect me to participate in prayer and their Sunday schedule. I can’t do that anymore, it feels like betraying myself. Especially when it has been so hard to make this choice, now i have to go back? No. 

So i have to move out a lot earlier than i had planned. Financially that’s far from ideal, but if this would be all that would be OK.

Oh, but that’s not all. Due to law changes my current employer can’t renew my contract in a few months. So in a few months I don’t have a job anymore. 

The last week i have searched the internet for interesting job listings but in the area where i live there are almost none. The ones that are interesting require a lot more experience than i could possibly have. 

I have been on 1 job interview and it was nerve wrecking. How can I decide if i want to work at a company after 2 conversations of an hour? What are the colleagues like? What’s expected of me? Does the culture suit me? I just don’t know how to evaluate that. I did not have to because i did not get the job. Not enough experience. 

So what should have been a happy year in which I could improve myself and try to be actually happy has turned into disaster. Not only do i have to unexpectedly move i also will lose my job in a few months. 

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say with this, but life sucks. Just when i almost had figured it out this happens. 

2020 – Me being me

Last year i still had to discover in practice in what way aspergers influenced my day to day life, and how i could deal with that. I have learned a lot; what approaches do work and which don’t. 

My theme of 2020 will be me being me. After observing my behavior it is time to apply this knowledge in a useful way.  I learned that the fear of not fitting in  causes me a lot of stress.  So if i could let go of those feelings more I would get a lot of potentially productive time back. 

I have already learned to care less  -which is awesome-, but this year i will take that to the next level. My focus is to improve myself as a person, doing what makes me actually happy. So this year i have a few goals:

•  Improve my photography

•  Start reading again

•  Start exercising

•  Take a solo trip

•  Quit smoking