I like the way I look

Since I started with photography I discovered that creating something truly gives me satisfaction. I love the way I can design and show something my way. Being creative, not doing something thousands have done exactly the same before me is wat gives me satisfaction.

In my job those moments are hard to find, so I’ve turned to photography and recently cinematography. The past year I wanted to create a first short film. I’m on a short trip this week and we’re recording some scenes for my first short movie.

A few hours ago I browsed to the footage to select what’s worth keeping. And when I looked at myself in those clips I liked the person I saw.

Normally I don’t like pictures of myself. Recently i started taking multiple selfies a week during walks. For documenting myself during the years and also to be more comfortable with myself.

It really surprised me to be this positive about myself in the clips I just reviewed. And I’m really happy about that. The theme of this year is me being me, accepting myself. I’ve come a long way, and I’m allowed to be proud of that.

I went on a date

For years, I told myself that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I’ve had a relationship as a 16 year old that meant everything for me at the time that crashed and burned in a spectacular way. Since that time I didn’t want to put myself out there again, so I told myself that being alone was something I preferred, something I should prefer. Spoiler alert, I actually do enjoy spending time with some people.

This last year I’m starting to appreciate myself a lot more than before. And i’m finding other ways to motive myself than being disappointed in myself. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs in the last few months and had quite a lot of job interviews with employers. This has taught me how to present myself a lot better and more importantly that not getting the job isn’t necessarily failing. I don’t need to feel bad for not getting every job I have applied for (I did before), to the contrary I have learned a lot from these job interviews.

Anyway I thought why couldn’t I apply this experience and new attitude towards dating? My self-image has improved a lot recently, I feel more in control of my life and am reasonably content with my current situation. So I did just that, I made a profile on one of the many dating apps and started looking at profiles. After a while I saw the profile of a cute girl, and more interestingly to me she wrote that she had geeky interests. So I swiped right on her profile. It was a match.

So now, the first message, what should I say? I wrote many first lines in my notes app but none seemed right. 20 minutes passed and I still didn’t know what to say, but to my surprise she decided to message me first. I don’t have much experience with dating but If I believe the internet that’s rare? We had a lovely and not at all forced first conversation about semi serious topics. After a while she gave me her phone number to talk more easily and I decided to ask if she’d like to meet up for coffee. She said yes.

After deciding on a location and a new outfit the day arrived. The start went really well, the conversation flowed naturally, and we laughed multiple times. I really enjoyed our conversations and after 1.5 ours passed she asked if I’d like to order lunch. This is where I fucked up. This wasn’t planned and I absolutely didn’t see that coming. So I said no, after that I mumbled something like I can’t, I’ll explain later and excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I felt so bad, I presume her asking for lunch is a good sign. She wanted to spend more time and I said no in an awkward way. So when I returned to the table she suggested to leave, we did. While walking to our cars I explained that I don’t like to share a meal with people I’m not familiar with. I’m particular with what I eat and don’t like people watching me while eating. She seemed to understand this but the mood had shifted and for the first time silences were introduced to our conversation. She tried to bring up new topics, but my brain was racing to decide on how to fix this situation. My answers probably weren’t that engaging.

When arrive at our cars another silence fell, now we had to talk about what to do next. I said goodbye, yeah literally only that word and entered my car to leave (we had parked side by side). She said goodbye as I waved I drove by her towards the exit, she waved more enthusiastically and smiled back.
I’t has been a long time since I felt so bad and stupid. I just met this amazing girl, she’s interesting, she does cool stuff, we share quite a few interests and she is pretty. She wanted to spend more time with me (unplanned lunch) and I fucked up massively.

I stopped at a gas station to text her, trying to fix the situation. I said I really enjoyed our conversations and said she surprised me with the lunch question. That I felt bad about the ending and that it wasn’t how I hoped and/or had planned to end this. I mentioned I would like to see her again sometime.

During my drive home she replied and said she would like to meet me again sometime. Again I felt a new and weird set of emotions, positive ones this time. After parking the car I replied that I would love that and let her know when I would be available. This was yesterday afternoon, I haven’t heard from her since. I really hope this wasn’t done out of courtesy and we can meet up again. Obviously I don’t know her well after a few conversations, but she seems awesome and special. Fingers crossed.